That Perplexing HOW
Hundreds upon hundreds of books written on this I'm sure - how we all love differently, feel it differently, show it differently, want it back differently.
Given the diversity of our desires as humans, the complexity of emotion, the myriad of outside interferences - it's remarkable any of us can establish relationships of depth at all, let alone maintain them for any length of time.
It's a blurred line sometimes though huh, determining what you can do without because you recognize someone is just expressing how they value you in a different way than you are used to/would like/think it should be - or conversely, when it isn't there because the motivation - the feeling inspiring the action - is actually absent or not as strong as yours.
I suppose I have two relationships in my life where this 'how' is most relevant - my husband, and the source of inspiration for much of the writing here - the one I met on the highway that fateful day.
In terms of relationships, I look at love as a verb, the action that shows what we feel. Now, "love" of course has many variations in different types of relationships. The action we take when we love isn't always recognized as loving. A guy takes the garbage out so you don't have to, that's loving.... he goes to work everyday to support a family, also loving.... a woman makes a meal, folds the laundry or rubs a back... all loving - but it isn't always seen that way or appreciated. (please don't jump all over me about the 'traditional' roles here, I'm aware there are many exceptions/reversals, I'm living one)
The crux of it - we all want to feel appreciated, valued, respected, loved by the people we let into our lives, our hearts, our souls.
Women often define this by romantic notions - flowers, candy, jewelry, mushy cards or the like. Men seem to link it with being 'taken care of' and with sex.
My husband isn't a "traditional" romantic. I can't tell you the last time I got flowers, he doesn't look longingly into my eyes and tell me I complete him (which is good, because reaction to that would likely be a toss up between laughter and nausea) and I don't define how he values me, how he loves me by any of that so we fit well for the most part.
That isn't to say he doesn't do special things to show I matter, and I recognize the little things as loving - when he gets up with the kids so I can sleep on a Saturday, how when he gets up before me there is always a coffee cup with cream and sugar and a spoon so all I have to do is pour the coffee he made and enjoy - just to name a few. He also communicates - he tells me what he thinks of me, how he sees me, how he feels, that I affect him.
Now, this other relationship can't really be measured with the same ruler, the very premise of it is different, so the expectation has to be too. The need to feel valued, however, remains. The matching of what we each do and say, how we express what we feel so that each of us is satisfied with what the other feels for us - that is tricky.
If he felt he didn't matter to me, that I could... take him or leave him, I'm guessing he wouldn't be motivated to spend time together because it impacts how he feels when he's with me. I believe he feels valued, cared for, important to me, yes even loved.
I believe I am important to him. His actions support this in that he continues to keep close contact, wants to spend time together. There are moments when it's very clear where he holds me in his life. There are also times when I'm unsure, when I don't feel it even if I believe it to be true, ya know? This presents a challenge for me, cuz I'm all about knowing where I stand -- there are those trust issues again huh?
There are all sorts of reasons - lots of outside influences - HUGE outside influences he's having to juggle actually, big life stuff, heavy things. His time and energy are highly taxed, I know this. Our respective situations, and how we are together are extremely complex... elements of friends/lovers/relationships that overlap, our individual personality types and how we each express to the other what we think/feel/want - all contribute.
This whole post is more about questions and perplexities than answers and clarity huh? *laughing*
Given the diversity of our desires as humans, the complexity of emotion, the myriad of outside interferences - it's remarkable any of us can establish relationships of depth at all, let alone maintain them for any length of time.
It's a blurred line sometimes though huh, determining what you can do without because you recognize someone is just expressing how they value you in a different way than you are used to/would like/think it should be - or conversely, when it isn't there because the motivation - the feeling inspiring the action - is actually absent or not as strong as yours.
I suppose I have two relationships in my life where this 'how' is most relevant - my husband, and the source of inspiration for much of the writing here - the one I met on the highway that fateful day.
In terms of relationships, I look at love as a verb, the action that shows what we feel. Now, "love" of course has many variations in different types of relationships. The action we take when we love isn't always recognized as loving. A guy takes the garbage out so you don't have to, that's loving.... he goes to work everyday to support a family, also loving.... a woman makes a meal, folds the laundry or rubs a back... all loving - but it isn't always seen that way or appreciated. (please don't jump all over me about the 'traditional' roles here, I'm aware there are many exceptions/reversals, I'm living one)
The crux of it - we all want to feel appreciated, valued, respected, loved by the people we let into our lives, our hearts, our souls.
Women often define this by romantic notions - flowers, candy, jewelry, mushy cards or the like. Men seem to link it with being 'taken care of' and with sex.
My husband isn't a "traditional" romantic. I can't tell you the last time I got flowers, he doesn't look longingly into my eyes and tell me I complete him (which is good, because reaction to that would likely be a toss up between laughter and nausea) and I don't define how he values me, how he loves me by any of that so we fit well for the most part.
That isn't to say he doesn't do special things to show I matter, and I recognize the little things as loving - when he gets up with the kids so I can sleep on a Saturday, how when he gets up before me there is always a coffee cup with cream and sugar and a spoon so all I have to do is pour the coffee he made and enjoy - just to name a few. He also communicates - he tells me what he thinks of me, how he sees me, how he feels, that I affect him.
Now, this other relationship can't really be measured with the same ruler, the very premise of it is different, so the expectation has to be too. The need to feel valued, however, remains. The matching of what we each do and say, how we express what we feel so that each of us is satisfied with what the other feels for us - that is tricky.
If he felt he didn't matter to me, that I could... take him or leave him, I'm guessing he wouldn't be motivated to spend time together because it impacts how he feels when he's with me. I believe he feels valued, cared for, important to me, yes even loved.
I believe I am important to him. His actions support this in that he continues to keep close contact, wants to spend time together. There are moments when it's very clear where he holds me in his life. There are also times when I'm unsure, when I don't feel it even if I believe it to be true, ya know? This presents a challenge for me, cuz I'm all about knowing where I stand -- there are those trust issues again huh?
There are all sorts of reasons - lots of outside influences - HUGE outside influences he's having to juggle actually, big life stuff, heavy things. His time and energy are highly taxed, I know this. Our respective situations, and how we are together are extremely complex... elements of friends/lovers/relationships that overlap, our individual personality types and how we each express to the other what we think/feel/want - all contribute.
This whole post is more about questions and perplexities than answers and clarity huh? *laughing*
posted by MysticSpirit (Sass) at 8:42 AM
2 Comments:
yep, matching hows ain't easy
"If he felt he didn't matter to me,
that I could... take him or leave him,
I'm guessing he wouldn't be
motivated to spend time together
because it impacts how he feels when he's with me.
I believe he feels valued, cared for,
important to me, yes even loved."
Yes, I agree statement number one.
But something sounds fishy
in the way you worded this.
Like it is on the face and not in the flesh.
It doesn't sound "first person" to me -
and probably, because of that -
the verbs are pretty much in the past tense...
rather than the present tense.
Not that it matters at all -
but I am just trying to get
a sense of the reality.
Although I realize that reality
is found in a million microscopic
movements in every direction.
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